"That's mine": Sexual assault is no laughing matter

When I was 13 years old, I somehow convinced my mother that going to teen night at "The Warehouse" in Detroit was an okay thing to do. I guess because I was a good student, involved in theater, and wore braces, there wasn't much to worry about.

She told me clearly to watch my cup (read: water) at the bar and make sure no one put anything in it.

I was on the dance floor having a good time and dancing with friends. When a guy started dancing with me, I was probably as giddy as any new high school kid would be and got into the "Ghetto Tech" jams of Detroit yore.

Relatively soon into the dance, this guy grabbed my vagina. I jumped back.

"That's mine!" I exclaimed.

I had no other words to say. No one had ever taught me what to do if a man touched my private parts at the club.

I was stunned by his actions, but immediately thought it must have been because of my tight spandex pants and Taz shirt that said “FLIRT” on it. I brought it upon myself, I reasoned.

My first assault - I was 13.

My second - 20.

My third - 29.

I had excuses for each of them. I believed that, deep down, there was something I could have done to prevent each of them from happening.

I could have worn a different shirt at the club, or not wanted to cuddle as an abstinent college girl, or not been a kind date when he was too intoxicated to drive home…

I have run through the thoughts many a time.

And I have shared these experiences with relatively few people.

Which is why typing them today has been a pretty hard thing to do. Knowing that I am announcing things that have impacted me mentally, physically, and emotionally is a terrifying thing that I would never wish upon my worst enemy.

But then.

The nominee for the Republican Party of the United States of America is recorded as saying that he would do just that - exact upon me or other women the same type of sexual assault that started my history of assaults nearly two decades ago.

While a good number of Republicans are in fact (finally) denouncing Trump as their candidate of choice, several others, including women, have come to his defense and indicated that it was a decade ago or locker room talk.

Let me tell you what a decade ago feels like. The mental turmoil that trapped me from what I considered at the time to be my first “real" sexual assault at 20 was relentless. It wouldn’t let me get into a serious relationship for years. Wouldn’t let me feel comfortable in a room alone with a man. Wouldn’t let me emotionally open up to others around me. Had me on lock.

And when the assault at 29 happened, nearly a decade after the previous, the IMMEDIATE triggering and flashbacks that occurred were something like out of a psychology textbook. Given that I was completing my training in a clinical psychology program, I had to talk to my supervisor about this experience to ensure I was not slipping on the job. My career may have been derailed by the action of someone else.

Actions, by the way, that my date did not find problematic. Indeed, he anticipated that we would be able to iron things out and continue dating. And, after I told him in no uncertain terms that this would not be the case, he felt at liberty to write an email explaining how unfair I was being for something that wasn’t "his fault".

This is an important takeaway because NONE of my perpetrators found their actions to be problematic, yet the emotional scars I have harbored over the decades continue to linger.

So, when you have a presidential nominee stating that he can do whatever he wants to a woman’s body, it is important for those defending him to know that this is most certainly NOT an appropriate message to send to any person within earshot. Although gender is not binary, girls hearing this message and believing that they are objects for sexual pleasure and boys receiving this message and building it into their narrative of manhood will only perpetuate these myths and subsequent actions for generations to come.

And the half-assed apology dismissing any personal accountability does not help to resolve any of the scars that your victims have had to shoulder after your advances.

For those of us with decades of memories and stories to be told, I want to stand today to say we are not laughing. This is no joke. This is not something to be categorized as locker room banter. Because for those of us on the playing field -or dance floor, if it were - our pain takes time to heal, and your time, Mr. Trump, is up.